Ah, the DMV — the final boss of American dysfunction. A sacred shrine to inefficiency, where dreams go to die and common sense is banned by executive order.
Let’s rewind, though. I live in New York City (you’re welcome), and recently decided to upgrade my driver’s license to something called a “Real ID” or, if you’re feeling patriotic, an “Enhanced ID.” Sounds important, right? Government-grade identity! Let’s unpack that garbage fire first.
What Even Is a Real or Enhanced ID?
Real IDs are allegedly required for domestic flights and getting into federal buildings — because somehow, your regular license just isn’t real enough. Enhanced IDs do all that plus let you return to the U.S. by land or sea from places like Canada, Mexico, or the Caribbean. Why? Because after 9/11, someone in Congress said, “You know what’ll stop terrorism? Stars on licenses.” So in 2005, they passed the REAL ID Act, which is still rolling out now — a mere two decades later. Efficiency, baby.
To be clear, the Real ID has a star. The Enhanced ID has an American flag. No, I’m not making that up. Yes, that’s the actual difference. Congratulations, you’re now secure.
And you might say, “Well hey, that doesn’t sound so bad.”
You’d be right… until you ask, “What does it actually fix?”
Spoiler: Nothing.
In New York, the exact same documents are required whether you’re getting a standard license, a Real ID, or an Enhanced ID. So, if we’ve already met the security standards, what are we doing here? And how were people getting into federal buildings with non-Real IDs for the past 20 years? Were they just letting anyone with a Blockbuster card stroll into a data center?
Oh — and the reason this whole thing took two decades to roll out?
Because it’s dumb.
And now the dumb are in charge.
The DMV, NYC Edition
Look, the DMV has always been a nightmare. But in NYC, it’s not just inefficient — it’s aggressively hostile. The staff are either in witness protection or doing community service because nobody chooses to be that bitter. Especially not before 10am.
Now I’ll admit, part of this is on me. Apparently, since COVID, the DMV requires appointments. Fine. When I went to their Kafkaesque website to schedule one for the Real/Enhanced ID, the dropdown menu had nothing about either. Naturally, I assumed appointments weren’t needed. My mistake was expecting logic.
I walked in, hopeful (ha), $70 in hand, all documents ready. I approach the front desk and say I’m here to upgrade my license.
DMV Lady: “Do you have an appointment?”
Me: “No, but—”
Her: Points silently to a QR code and yells “NEXT.”
So I scan the QR like a defeated TSA line zombie, trying again to find the appointment option. Surprise: still nothing obvious. Turns out, to book a Real/Enhanced ID appointment, you need to select “Driver License, Permit, and Non-Driver ID (Photo Document) Services” — and only then does the magical second dropdown reveal “Upgrade to a REAL ID or Enhanced Driver License (EDL).” Because obviously.
Meanwhile, I renewed my license just last year and — get this — no one mentioned Real or Enhanced anything. You were just supposed to know that you should manually write in a request on a blank box. Like a DMV psychic.
When I finally got back to the window (an hour later), I confirmed the earliest appointment was mid-September.
Me: “What if I’m flying in August?”
Them: “You should’ve scheduled it months ago.”
Me: 😐
That’s when I almost snapped. I held up a single index finger — the universal symbol for “don’t make me start a scene” — and said, “No need to get anyone. I’m leaving. But what you just said? Completely unnecessary.” Then I walked out through a sea of people who had appointments and were still waiting, even though the DMV was closing in 15 minutes.
Final Thoughts (a.k.a. RAGE BONUS ROUND)
The illusion that institutions like the DMV are functional is one of the greatest jokes in modern society. The idea that I should simply be able to walk in, pay a fee, hand over paperwork, and walk out with the document I’m legally required to have? Absurd.
No, no — that would be efficient.
And you didn’t pay your taxes for efficiency.
You paid them to be shamed, herded, and ignored in fluorescent lighting.
Nuff said.